Just an Update...

Alright, so for the 3 or so people that actually read this, here we go.

Why have I not been updating my blog at all recently?

Busy, and I've been avoiding solving my problems through websites and people I know online. I feel as if its time I leave a certain group of people behind, and if you're on that particular website you know who you are. Not because they were bad people, or gave poor advice, or for any other reason, but because they were too good at giving advice, and too nice. One thing I fear in my life is technology alienation from real people, and I've lately been forcing myself to deal with my problems by myself or with people I know personally.

Why now?

Just felt I needed to vent a little, particularly about university. This is the main body of this post.

Why do I need to vent?

I'm afraid.

Going off to university is such a crazy thing for me. I get away from my constricting family. I get away from my home town. I get a new start.

So why am I scared?

Because things here were finally starting to go well for me. I have friends that I like, for the first time ever. But for some reason I still feel like I don't fit in.

I haven't felt like I fit in in a long time.

I honestly can't think of a group of people where I feel I fit in. Why? I'm not sure, but I always feel I'm an outsider.

I don't want to be destined to be a loner. I don't want that in my life. Will that happen in university? I'm not sure.

I have fun. People like me. So what makes me such an outsider all the time?

What really scares me is not fitting in at university. I hate being an outsider, it really sucks.

But then again, maybe I'm not an outsider. Maybe I just have confidence or self-esteem issues. Wouldn't be surprised, but I also don't want to be playing catch-up confidence wise. I constantly feel unhappy when I'm not around people. It sucks feeling the people you want to be close to slip through your fingers due to texts not returned, opportunities missed, etc.

Either way though, I move on come september. Not leaving much behind here, but I hope that university goes better.

We'll see what happens, and I'm sure I'll write more, but I injured my finger while drunk and can't type too well haha.

Any replies are as always appreciated!

Friends.... Phase II.

Alright, so lets get a little update going here.

Exciting isn't it? I've been blogging enough to continue a previous post!

Anyways, this time its not so much about the basic aspects of relationships as it is the more complex ones, which I believe a lot of people struggle with.

So the real thing I'm wondering about is why people don't invite me to stuff. Specifically, a particular group of friends.

Like, it could be the fact that I have next to no friends aside from this group, and that I rarely organize stuff. But I've tried several times. It just rarely works out.

But I'm never the guy who gets called on friday night asking if I want to hang out. This doesn't overly frustrate me, but one recent event kind of has.

So Mt. Hood, Oregon, is a summer skiing mecca. I met one of the guys (Brent) from this particular group of friends last summer while on a trip to Mt. Hood. I've been talking to a bunch of guys including the aforementioned one about a return trip for a while now, and I recently found out that a couple of them are heading back.

However, I was not invited, or even informed of it. It almost seems like they didn't want me to come. Why? I'm not sure. But, I'm kind of bummed about the whole situation. I was texting Brent earlier about something else and I asked him about it, and he hasn't texted me back. Kind of annoyed that he wouldn't tell me if he was going.

What really frustrates me is that I'm not sure what I did to deserve this. Like, did I piss them off somehow? Do they not actually like me? I've been myself and tried to be tactful, respectful, and polite in my relationships with them.

Well, Brent just texted me, and told me that he is indeed going. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But it seemed weird that they would plan this and not tell me. I would really have liked to go. I almost certainly can't afford it, but really. An invitation would have been nice.

Anyways, I'm not going to get too choked about it. These things happen, and who knows why? Perhaps they forgot to give me an invite. Perhaps there are only 4 seats, and they're already taken. But this is life, and thats all that can be said about it.

I'll make sure to voice my concern in an appropriate way at some point though. Then perhaps things will change. Still though. Not pleased.

Now prepare yourselves for....

Phase III. The future.

Possibly Getting a Tattoo....

Alright, this statement might seem ridiculous to some at the young age of 18, but I urge you to read on and think about my reasons for this and the story behind it before deciding that I'm just being a foolhardy teenager.

Alright, so this started a few months ago when I was trying to come up with something to write some music about. I came up with this huge crazy album concept somewhat influenced by Porcupine Tree's Fear of a Blank Planet.

I was looking around on tumblr at pictures of ruins, and I found some really cool stuff. It got me thinking, what if some huge disaster happened and humanity was just wiped out in a second? What if our infrastructure, buildings, and creations all stayed behind as a record of us? What would visitors to Earth say when they got here and saw the ruins of our society?

This got me thinking about all the terrible things we've done, the pollution, destruction of natural spaces, etc etc, and I kind of thought that this kind of situation would be one in which all our sins were laid out to see. These visitors to earth would have never known why we did the things we did, how we got there, or what humans were like. All they would see is our impact on the earth, and we would be judged as a whole; the sum of everything humanity has ever done would be there to see.

I eventually decided that the album might be named "Visions From a Blank Planet," kind of in tying with Porcupine Tree's Fear of a Blank Planet.

So what would the artist name be?

Well, I like the idea of albums that just have a huge, crazy concept that encompasses a ton of ground. I like the albums that depict the whole of something, the good and the bad, the parts that make people happy, and the parts that people bury in the deepest corners of their mind so they never have to face them. So what would be a good name for the "band" so to speak?

Perhaps "Sum" would be appropriate.

It would encompass all the ideas I had about the music quite well, and be a pretty cool name for a group.

The story breaks off for a while temporarily, as we move on towards the present.

I was listening to Ky-Mani Marley, when I remembered he had a super cool tattoo of a face with super long dreads on his arm. This got me thinking that it would be fucking awesome to have a lion tattoed onto my bicep. Now, I started to think about the lion. What would it mean? Why would I have it? I couldn't really think of any good ideas, except that lions are cool, and rasta is cool, and rasta lions are super cool. I don't think that any part of me or what I aspire to could really accurately be depicted by a lion. This was a dumb idea, it lasted about 48 hours.

Jump ahead 2 weeks or so.

I was then sitting on the couch at home, writing my blog entry about university, priorities and such. Then I decided that I needed to get my priorities straight, and use every moment of every day as best I could, or something like that. Then I thought, how can I remind myself of who I am and what my priorities are every day?

I thought that perhaps I could make up some kind of saying. But no, thats far too simple and is prone to be forgotten. Maybe I could just like... wear some kind of necklace or bracelet or ring or something. Naahhhh, those are super prone to getting lost or broken.

Then it hit me... OH MY GOD A TATTOO!

Perhaps this would work. However, I don't want to have this be something I would regret later. I'd have to think about what I wanted.

At some point during this thinking process I remembered my idea of Sum for that band name. Well I sure as fuck don't want "SUM" scrawled across my skin. Thats a fucking terrible idea. But wait... There is a symbol for sum! The greek letter Sigma!

Hmm.... Well that might work. It actually might. Lets see if it stands for anything....

Well, google is telling me that in conjunction with other greek letters its a frat/sorority sign, but I would have mine without them. It would be a lone sigma.

No gang in their right mind would ever use a sigma to symbolize anything.

The only meaning I could find was Sum. Or stress in physics, but sum is the better known one.

So why get a symbol with no meaning? Because then I can make my own, personal meaning for it.

So what would it mean?

In keeping with the sum idea, it would symbolize a holistic viewpoint on the world. Yin and Yang, dark and light are all equally necessary parts of everything.

The ups and downs of life are parts of a whole. The bad times and the good times.

It would symbolize me as a whole - I am made up of my actions. They speak for me. What do I do with my life? Where do I go? It would serve as a reminder that I am in control and have the reigns. If I want something or want to be something, then I have to make that a part of my life.

It would also be a reminder of the fact that I am part of a whole - the human whole. As a part of that whole, what do I want to contribute? What do I want to do? How am I going to communicate and act around other people? All these are things I want to remind myself of daily.

Another thing it would mean would be that we are greater than the sum of our parts. Every day, aspire to be something greater, something more than what you were before. Be bigger than yourself, and do your best in all things.

It would symbolize living life to its fullest, being the best person I could to the people around me, and not wasting any more time.

I think that those are pretty damn good reasons.

Random bonus reasons:

Sigma is a symbol used in math and physics. I intend to go into physics as a career, and will be using a lot of math in future.

It will look badass as fuck.

Having a symbol instead of a statement or actual picture or something means it has whatever meaning I decide it has - if I don't like some part of the ideology I associate with it, then I can change that. If I don't want to tell people my actual reasons for getting it, I don't have to. It means something to ME. Its for ME. Not anyone else.

The other bonus to a symbol is that its kind of cryptic and mysterious. I've always had a curiosity with mysteries and stuff like that. Kind of fitting isn't it?

Now where would I get it? Bicep? No. Chest? No. Buttox? No....

Well, my friend has a tattoo on the underside of her left wrist.... Its a really good spot because its still something you'll see a lot, but its still easy to hide if you have to.

So why not on the underside of my right wrist? And having it so that faced me? That way, it would be on the hand that I use for everything. Its ideology would metaphorically be present in everything I do, and the symbol would always be there. It would serve as a guide for my actions.

I think this is a fairly good idea all in all, and not something I'll regret. However, I'm still going to wait for school to end before getting it. I'll do it some time this summer, which means I have a solid 2 months to think about it thoroughly before I do it. I can really give this a lot of thought, and not make it a spur-of-the-moment thing. If I stick with it, then I know its a good idea.

The Future.

So considering my recent acceptance at UBC, I am naturally very happy. Its exactly where I want to be; a university with tons of research and a great science program, some of the best skiing in Canada a few hours away, a great city, a huge music scene, and even a few local ski places to go to mid-week.

So where does that leave me?

Well, next year I'll have some great skiing close by and be exactly where I want to be. However, is a career in science and physics something I could do for the rest of my life? Can I honestly keep doing that and be happy?

My passion above all other things is skiing. I can't make a career out of trying to be a professional competitive or filming skier, so that leaves guiding, instructing, coaching, or any other number of jobs in the ski industry... I can ski for a career if I really want to.

So I am left with a choice. Will I ski forever? Or will I dedicate myself to a career in physics?

To answer this, I would need to ask myself why I'm pursuing physics as a career.

I like physics. It is one thing that I think is really cool - imagine that you could be part of a team of scientists unravelling the fabric of our universe on a daily basis. You could do something that would really matter in the future, and help a lot of people.

That would be cool.

But can I do physics and enjoy it, while still pursuing skiing, the only thing I will probably ever love that much? Is it feasible to get my degree, and then keep skiing a ton? I have probably 7 years left to ski at the highest level I am capable of if I take good care of my body. Will I compromise my priorities in order to get my degree? Will I simply move into the traditional stagnancy that everyone seems to experience in life? I don't want that. Will it happen? For me, maybe not.

Lets inspect how I can avoid that.

First of all, I'm in Vancouver. One of the skiing capitals of Canada. If I can schedule my classes around a 3 day class week, then I have the 4 other days to potentially go skiing. I will get in some skiing there, and with a pass to one of the local mountains, I will be able to go skiing even when I don't have a full day for it.

Second of all, Whistler stays open until the end of May. I can get a solid month of skiing in after university is done.

Third of all, I have the experience, credentials, and skill to get a job related to skiing in the summer. Places like New Zealand, Chile, and Australia all offer viable options to get some extra skiing in.

Fourth of all, UBC offers exchanges. I can go live and study at any number of 150 universities across the world. My options include such epic skiing destinations as Japan, France, Germany, The United States, Switzerland, and Sweden. Tuition will cost me exactly the same as UBC, as will living expenses. Pretty good options there.

Fifth, I am somewhat involved in the skiing community. I know people, I know how to hang with skiers, and I am pretty good at what I do.

My real concern and the reason I list these things is that I fear I will end up where too many people do - 45 years old, married with kids, a shitty job, and nothing other than retirement to look forward to every day. I don't want that to be me.

If I can stay true to the path I want to take, things look pretty promising though. The most important thing for me is to be able to see clearly what I want in life, and to pursue it with all my energy.

I guess in a way I am blessed with knowing exactly what I want in life: To ski, have fun, have good friends, and do something good in my lifetime.

Money? Secondary concern to the former list. Career? Secondary. Marriage? Secondary.

If I can pursue these things with everything I have for the rest of my life, I will (hopefully) have what most people perceive as the perfect life. Perhaps it is naive to set goals at such a young age, but mine are simple, fulfilling, and fun even at the worst of times.

The Ups and Downs of Life.

Well, it has been a strange day.

Woke up this morning still feeling the after effects of alcohol poisoning from saturday night, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before.

So, I got up, went to school, and worked for most of the day. Had lunch, then went back to do more work. Then at about 2 that afternoon, I just got really depressed. I don't know what it was, but I just got into a terrible mood. Started thinking about suicide and stuff, cutting myself, and just bad stuff like that. I thought about how I had like no friends (which is bullshit btw), and wound up thinking about how I could kill myself the easiest. I didn't really get to the answer for that question though, because when I got home I was still thinking about it, and I got onto my computer, just browsed a few sites that I usually check on a daily basis. Then my mom started bugging me to check my application for UBC, which is my first choice university that I was 100% sure I would not get into.

Logged onto their website, looked around.

Noticed that I had a new notification waiting for me.

Clicked on it.

You've been accepted!

Hmm... Probably got accepted to arts. Guess I'll just end up going to my second choice school anyways, because I want to do science.

Clicked on it to see my admission offer... Accepted to Science!

This is the 5th best school in the country, and I got accepted to one of their hardest programs? WTF?!

Turned around my day in seconds. I am feeling great now, I am remotivated for school, I'm going to see a bunch of my friends tomorrow night, I have everything set up for grad, and next year is looking super promising. Needless to say, I'm as stoked as can be right now!

Funny how that works isn't it?

Drinking.

So. I have been doing some thinking lately. And drinking. But what I've really been doing is thinking about drinking. Ironic, isn't it?

Anyways, lets start this story yesterday morning.

Woke up, ate breakfast. It was bright and early, left my house at 7 am to meet up with some friends and head up to the ski hill. So I went up there, had a super fun day, and then a friend invited me to go to his house for some drinks. Like any sane person, I accepted, and showed up at his house around roughly 8 at night, having eaten a good meal at home, and drank some water to rehydrate.

Now the fun starts. I said to myself at the beginning of the night "I'm going to keep my drinking mellow tonight, I'll just have a few and then enjoy being a little bit tipsy."

Unfortunately this didn't happen, and about 5 beers and 10 shots of Jaeger later I decided that I would force myself to puke in the toilet so I wouldn't feel as bad. This unfortunately backfired and my stomach became overly acidic the next day, resulting in one of the worst stomach aches I have ever experienced in my life. Combined with a hangover, I couldn't stay standing for more than 10 minutes because the stomach pain and nausea would become so extreme that I had to sit down.

I drank water all day today, I probably had well over 6 litres, and I have peed twice as of yet. I am dehydrated as fuck, and to top that off, I sent a not-so-great text to someone yesterday which I very much regret. Fortunately, we're still on good terms but I feel super bad about it.

Sitting at home today with my hangover, sore stomach, and feeling like an idiot, I decided that something needed to be done about this. I am by no means an experienced drinker, and when I decide that I want to limit myself, it tends not to work. So how can I go about ensuring that I don't end up sitting at home feeling like shit on sunday night and not remembering drunk calling people on saturday night? I develop a system.

Part 1 of the system: The phone. When I go drinking, I generally drive myself and stay over at that person's house, or get a ride from someone else. However, I tend to send stupid texts and drunk call people, which I think is a bad thing. Solution? Before drinking, turn phone off and remove battery. If at someone's house, leave the battery in my car. If at a bar or something, put my phone in one pocket, and the battery in another. This prevents me from doing anything stupid, but still allows me to use my phone in case of an emergency.

Part 2 of the system: The tally. As a young man with a lot of european heritage, I have a naturally high alcohol tolerance, and when I decide to send it, I tend to drink everyone else under the table. However, I don't want to completely send it any more, as it wastes a shit ton of my time due to hangovers and such. So I have developed a method. When drinking, bring a pen with me. Keep a tally of drinks on my left wrist. For each alcoholic drink tally mark I have, I have to put a tally mark underneath it for a glass of water. BUT when the tally hits 5, the drinks stop flowing. I can easily ensure that I cut myself off at that point by keeping a tally. This keeps me hydrated, and just between sober and tipsy, at what I like to call my "happy point," instead of becoming a sloppy mess.

With this 2 part system, I am confident that I can limit my drinking effectively, and keep myself under control without having the usual amount of experience needed to be able to do that.

This is an option, but there is also another option: don't drink at all. Next time I go somewhere that people are drinking, I will have my tally pen on me, my phone battery left in my car, and I will try to enjoy myself without drinking anything. If I'm not having fun and I do start drinking, then I'll use my system and prevent complete alcohol destruction.

Not sure if this will work, but its my plan and I intend to stick to it. Wish me luck and I'll update another time saying how it went. Thoughts anyone?

A few thoughts on skiing.

I think what a lot of people (including myself until recently) don't realize is that for some people, skiing is a part of their identity just as much as their name, or their personality. After repeatedly trying to pull myself away from skiing so I can turn my attention to music and school due to repeated pressure from my parents and teachers, I have discovered that it is not possible, and will never happen. As sure as my name is Matt, I am a a skier, and I always will be. Although I may love music, and really want to get a degree from a good university, skiing will always be top on my priority list. Will it clash with everything else I do? Possibly, but that doesn't matter a bit. Skiing is a part of me, and I will continue to do it for the rest of my life. I may be rich, I may be poor as fuck, I may be in some place completely different in the future years, but I will ALWAYS be skiing.

I love it, beyond all other things - my music, my school, my friends - all are dictated based on skiing. University selections? Skiing based. Time spent on weekends? Skiing based. Musical goals? Partly skiing based. Plans for next summer? Skiing based. Part-time job? Used to pay for skiing.

I may not ever be successful in skiing in any way, and I may plunge more money into this stupid, expensive, dangerous, ridiculous sport than I will ever get out of it, but like any real, dedicated skier, I have no choice. It is beyond my control, the best thing I can do is to enjoy it as much as possible, and just ride the wave.

Friends....

So recently I've been trying to get more guy friends, and closer guy friends, because although I absolutely love my female friends, I find that I need a balance. After all, Aristotle preached that you should have all things in moderation, right?

Anyways, one thing that I've noticed is that I can easily get into a really deep relationship with girls, where I can talk about just about anything with them, and really have meaningful conversations. However with guys, I'm having a little more trouble making that happen.

I think this could be for a number of reasons, one of which could be that I'm not spending enough time around the guys who I want to be good friends with. The girls who I'm quite close with go to the same school as me, so we naturally spend a good amount of time around each other. The guys however, do not, so its only really when we end up hanging out outside of school that we see each other.

Another possibility is that these guys aren't ready for the level of maturity that I need in a relationship. I'm not trying to be cocky here, but I consider myself a little more mature than most guys my age, which could also be why I get along with girls so well. Now, perhaps there is a level to the relationship that I am seeking that they aren't even fully aware of yet, or aren't used to having in friendships. There is also the possibility that I am not mature enough to have a relationship that they are used to.

Building on that last point, its also worth considering that I'm just not fully aware of how to initiate that kind of a relationship - if you want to move further, you have to somewhat push the relationship to that level, which is sometimes hard to do.

Or perhaps I'm just too inexperienced with guys right now - maybe I just need to spend more time around them, and learn a little more about them before I try to move forward.

Either way, I'd like to be able to figure out where to go with this.

Group Dynamics - The Contributors and the Absorbers

Okay, hopefully this is my last blog entry today, but... no promises.

Anyways, I was just thinking about groups of people and my role in them.

Now generally in groups theres 2 types of people, or more a spectrum of those types of people.

You have your contributors of group energy - ie your very outgoing people, your group leaders, the crazy hyper energetic types, the types that make the jokes etc.

And then you have your absorbers of group energy. Now when I say absorbers I don't mean it in a negative way. You can't have too much group energy or it just gets crazy - imagine if you had 5 really energetic people going to a movie - it would get out of hand and just be a bit too much for everyone. The absorbers are the ones who listen, who are laid back, who take in what the contributors put in. These are the introverts of the group, so to speak. They are not to be confused with what I will refer to as group vampires though (the people who suck the life out of the group and/or conversation - they absorb energy, and replace it with negative energy).

I often consider myself an absorber, as I am somewhat introverted and quiet. I prefer to try to make valuable contributions to the group, as opposed to saying tons of stuff and being crazy. However, I often find I have to be the one who initiates contact in order to make stuff happen. For example, if people are going out I'll usually be the one who ends up having to ask if anything is going on, or ask to come. This used to bug me, however I've realized that if everyone in the group waited to be invited to do something, nothing would ever happen. The roles of absorbers and contributors are present in all group situations, including the planning of stuff.

However I often find the best people to have in a group are the ones who are a mix of the 2 - consider it a spectrum.

Absorber <----------------> Contributor

Ideally, you'd like to be here:

Absorber <--------O--------> Contributor

However, I often find myself somewhere around here:

Absorber <---O-------------> Contributor

Now there are some groups of people where I am comfortable being closer to the middle, and thats what I'm working towards, but I think that its a valuable skill to be able to play the different roles in different groups. For example, I have friends where I would be on the Contributor end, and some where I would be on the Absorber end. It all really depends on who I'm with and how comfortable I am with that group. Usually I prefer to be an Absorber if possible. Sometimes though, I feel I need to play the role of Contributor though - its often beneficial when breaking into a group to be a Contributor, but I find everyone appreciates it when someone is good at playing the role of Absorber. For me right now I guess the trick is getting into the group a bit more, so I can play the role of Absorber more, which is where I'm more comfortable.

This blogging thing is tougher to do than I thought lol. HUUUUUGE TIME SINK.

Thoughts anyone?

Well, that was interesting.

Hmm.... Oddly enough it seems I have just had a massive mood swing today. Or perhaps I am just an idiot when it comes to communicating with other people.

Either way, I was just sitting unhappily at my computer, when I decided to go and chat with some people whom I chat with fairly regularly.

So, I logonsky and start talking and then BAM!

Like that thing that chases the avatar dude over a waterfall at the beginning of the movie, it hits me.

I was being reluctant to contact anybody out of fear of annoying them, and yet I wanted to contact them.

However, by fighting the desire to contact people, it went against what I naturally am, which therefore made me unhappy (possibly).

For example - I wanted to text somebody, but I was afraid of annoying them. So instead I just sat here being all lonely like. But that wasn't helping anything.

As human beings, we all have a need for relationships with other humans, and for communication with them - this goes down to evolutionary instincts.

SO, I decided to make contact with some people today, and all better! : )

Interestingly enough it once again comes down to fear - fear of doing something wrong.

Now, lets take a look at THE Notorious BIG. A man of influence, power, money, and general badassness. Now, he released the song "Juicy" at what many would call the peak of his career, when he was absolutely on top of his life, having released one of the most successful rap albums of all time and changing the game permanently. One thing about his life at that point was that (as said by Mr. Smalls) he was "Living life without fear". Perhaps this is one thing we forget too often - after all, one of my favourite sayings is "fear is failure".

Fear is damaging to us - we fear so many things in life, but usually the fear is just rooted in our own insecurities. Its so easy to play it safe and not go skydiving, or not drive your car faster than you probably ever should. However, when you overcome that, the feeling is one of the greatest ones humans can experience. By overcoming that fear we are temporarily put on top of the world.

But that feeling is not the only beneficial part of facing our fears. You see, every time we are pushed out of our comfort zones, forced to face a fear, we face an insecurity. We become stronger people, and we are able to move past that, and on to overcome the next one.

Here's to living dangerous, and living on the edge.

Ahhh.... My first entry.

Before we start, I would like you to know that this will most likely not be a happy blog.

It will also probably not be a helpful blog.

It could, however, be an interesting blog.

First things first. I'm 18, I'm a guy, I'm gay, I am not feminine, I like to ski, I also like music, but I don't really want to type all this boring stuff out because it would just bore you (whoever that is), and me.

So, I basically made this blog because I once again find myself in a slump in life.

Will this blog help? Probably not, but at least I can look at my thoughts and see what I've been thinking - I like to believe that I can help myself psychologically as long as I can find the thought that is the root of my issue and address it, but perhaps this is no longer the case.

So... Recap of the past couple years of my life.

This is from a post I wrote on a forum that I frequent, its mainly concerned with my sexuality.

So, grade 7. New school, new people. I was going to this big intimidating university prep school, major tests every 1.5 months or so, serious teachers etc etc. Well, grade 7 was pretty average for me, I met people, had friends, didn't really know anyone too well, but I was having a good time and that was enough for me. A little later in the year I noticed that I kind of liked guys. Well, at that point I didn't think much of it, I had heard about sexuality, exploring, confusion, all that stuff. I figured I would just be the same and start liking girls. So I ignored it and wrote it off as unimportant.

Grade 8.... Came and went. Not much happened that year, still wasn't liking girls, started worrying... Could I be gay? No, I'm not like that... But no matter how hard I tried to get rid of those thoughts and put them aside, I just liked guys. At one point that year I tried to cut my wrists, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it, so I just started slicing up my hands instead. Fortunately that didn't last long, and I eventually got over it, and went back to the timeless problem solving strategy of ignoring the issue.

Grade 9. What a year.... Things got a bit worse this year, I was really not content with anything, I basically tried to force myself to be straight a few times... Not fun. Come winter, I tried to tell my mom I was gay. I wound up basically saying "Mom, I have something I need to tell you..." and writing it on a piece of paper because I couldn't bring myself to say it... She didn't believe it, thought I was too young, and thought I was confused. She didn't accept it, so I told her I was straight, and just confused for a little while. This was definitely a turning point, as I simply stopped telling my parents about anything. I cared about them, but I didn't rely on them for support, I kind of stopped talking to them, and generally just distanced myself from them from that point on.

Spring of Grade 9, Junior High Travel Studies. 2 Week trip to France and Spain. It was here that things really took a turn for the worse. I decided in my frustration that I was going to ditch my friends and go hang out on that trip with the "cool kids" who I would then befriend and start liking girls, because they just seemed so... heterosexual. Well, travel studies came and went, I did hang out with the cool kids, got to know them over travel studies. Went back to school, tried to spend most of my time with them, but I really started to realize I didn't fit in. This didn't bug me too much until grade 10.

Start of grade 10, I realized I had made a huge mistake. These kids didn't really like me that much, I never got invited to anything, never knew them that well, and basically had no friends, and between that, ditching my old friends, and distancing myself from my parents, I was pretty alone. Grade 10 was a year of depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. Came pretty close to ending it once or twice, but fortunately I didn't go through with it. I could only think about how much it would hurt my parents if I did, I really didn't want to send them through that, so I decided to stick around, for at least a few more years. I thought "I'll just live out High School, maybe University, then end it all before I have to deal with all this bullshit."

Grade 11. Toughest year of my life, I was super miserable for the whole thing, I hated the people who I was around, who had no respect for other people, I hated my school, its politics, the people who ran it. I hated my teachers, who made gay-related jokes. I hated myself to an extreme. I thought I was ugly, undesirable, a bad friend, an untalented person, I thought I was dumb because I started struggling a bit with Math. I didn't want to be there, and it got me really down. I completely stopped caring about school, I just maintained my 85 average to please my parents and so people would fuck off and leave me alone about marks. I didn't study for 3 of my finals first semester. I got through class by watching movies on my ipod, wishing I was somewhere else, thinking about suicide, sexuality, etc etc.

Second Semester of Grade 11 came around, and things just did not improve. There was about 2 weeks where I fully had the intent to kill myself. I slept through most of my classes, didn't say a word to anyone unless I had to. Gave up on my Math 30 midterm, decided to sleep instead of studying. I would go to bed hours early so I didn't have to be awake as long. I hated myself so much, I didn't want to live any more.

One day rolled around when I was at home alone, so I got out the tylenol extra strength, looked at the label, found the amount you needed to have before you called poison control. Counted out exactly 4 times that, and then a bit. Put them on the counter. Filled up a glass of water, made sure it was big so I could finish the job. Picked up the first few pills, and looked at the clock. My dad was supposed to be home in the next half an hour. I figured that wouldn't be long enough, because he would be able to take me to the hospital and get my stomach pumped etc, so I decided I would have to do it another time. Put the pills away and went to sleep on the couch. I never got the chance to finish the job.

That for me symbolized a turning point; I had come as close to killing myself as I ever had. I was still here. I knew if I could make it through that I could change things.

I started trying to turn things around. I tried different groups of people, found one that I could kind of relax around, got to know them alright. Things were getting better. I decided that the only way things were going to change for me were if I made a big change in my life. So I decided to change schools for grade 12.

Summer was uneventful, I was unhappy but not suicidal, so things were better.

Grade 12 started off good. Met new people, I have genuinely good friends at this school, and I finally came out fully, to basically completely positive reactions. For the most part, I've completely turned things around.

So things were going well, I was very happy, but the last few weeks have sucked.

Why is this?

Let's list off a few reasons:

I have had the shittiest time with my skiing recently. I'm going to try to relate this in a couple different ways. Imagine you were a guitar player, and all of a sudden you could only play 1 chord. Or imagine you were a painter, but were suddenly reduced to the ability to only use crayons. That is the frustration I have been experiencing recently with my skiing. This wouldn't be such a huge deal, but skiing is my passion, it is what I do. Annoying to say the least.

Second reason - there is a group of people I'm trying to become friends with. As far as I can tell, things are going good, but recently I've just been frustrated, and I don't see the point in putting the effort into the friendships. More on that later.

Third reason - somewhat like I said in the second reason, I don't know if people even care about me - if they do they're not showing it, aside from a few people. More on that later.

Fourth reason - I feel alone. I don't know if this is normal or weird or what, but I have 1 or 2 people I'm very close with and I don't see my friends too often outside of school. Maybe friday night, once on the weekend, but thats all, unless I'm very active in trying to find something to do (I don't get invited to stuff too often).

I was handling a lot of this stuff quite well though, and then shit just went bad. I'm not even sure if my slight current depression has anything to do with these issues, but I'm definitely not happy right now, and I don't know exactly why. Like, this is at the point where I don't know what I'm living for anymore - nothing seems too hopeful right now.

Maybe I just need something good to happen to me, I don't know. But I've spent a while putting together this post and its time for me to get back to homework.