It will also probably not be a helpful blog.
It could, however, be an interesting blog.
First things first. I'm 18, I'm a guy, I'm gay, I am not feminine, I like to ski, I also like music, but I don't really want to type all this boring stuff out because it would just bore you (whoever that is), and me.
So, I basically made this blog because I once again find myself in a slump in life.
Will this blog help? Probably not, but at least I can look at my thoughts and see what I've been thinking - I like to believe that I can help myself psychologically as long as I can find the thought that is the root of my issue and address it, but perhaps this is no longer the case.
So... Recap of the past couple years of my life.
This is from a post I wrote on a forum that I frequent, its mainly concerned with my sexuality.
So, grade 7. New school, new people. I was going to this big intimidating university prep school, major tests every 1.5 months or so, serious teachers etc etc. Well, grade 7 was pretty average for me, I met people, had friends, didn't really know anyone too well, but I was having a good time and that was enough for me. A little later in the year I noticed that I kind of liked guys. Well, at that point I didn't think much of it, I had heard about sexuality, exploring, confusion, all that stuff. I figured I would just be the same and start liking girls. So I ignored it and wrote it off as unimportant.
Grade 8.... Came and went. Not much happened that year, still wasn't liking girls, started worrying... Could I be gay? No, I'm not like that... But no matter how hard I tried to get rid of those thoughts and put them aside, I just liked guys. At one point that year I tried to cut my wrists, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it, so I just started slicing up my hands instead. Fortunately that didn't last long, and I eventually got over it, and went back to the timeless problem solving strategy of ignoring the issue.
Grade 9. What a year.... Things got a bit worse this year, I was really not content with anything, I basically tried to force myself to be straight a few times... Not fun. Come winter, I tried to tell my mom I was gay. I wound up basically saying "Mom, I have something I need to tell you..." and writing it on a piece of paper because I couldn't bring myself to say it... She didn't believe it, thought I was too young, and thought I was confused. She didn't accept it, so I told her I was straight, and just confused for a little while. This was definitely a turning point, as I simply stopped telling my parents about anything. I cared about them, but I didn't rely on them for support, I kind of stopped talking to them, and generally just distanced myself from them from that point on.
Spring of Grade 9, Junior High Travel Studies. 2 Week trip to France and Spain. It was here that things really took a turn for the worse. I decided in my frustration that I was going to ditch my friends and go hang out on that trip with the "cool kids" who I would then befriend and start liking girls, because they just seemed so... heterosexual. Well, travel studies came and went, I did hang out with the cool kids, got to know them over travel studies. Went back to school, tried to spend most of my time with them, but I really started to realize I didn't fit in. This didn't bug me too much until grade 10.
Start of grade 10, I realized I had made a huge mistake. These kids didn't really like me that much, I never got invited to anything, never knew them that well, and basically had no friends, and between that, ditching my old friends, and distancing myself from my parents, I was pretty alone. Grade 10 was a year of depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. Came pretty close to ending it once or twice, but fortunately I didn't go through with it. I could only think about how much it would hurt my parents if I did, I really didn't want to send them through that, so I decided to stick around, for at least a few more years. I thought "I'll just live out High School, maybe University, then end it all before I have to deal with all this bullshit."
Grade 11. Toughest year of my life, I was super miserable for the whole thing, I hated the people who I was around, who had no respect for other people, I hated my school, its politics, the people who ran it. I hated my teachers, who made gay-related jokes. I hated myself to an extreme. I thought I was ugly, undesirable, a bad friend, an untalented person, I thought I was dumb because I started struggling a bit with Math. I didn't want to be there, and it got me really down. I completely stopped caring about school, I just maintained my 85 average to please my parents and so people would fuck off and leave me alone about marks. I didn't study for 3 of my finals first semester. I got through class by watching movies on my ipod, wishing I was somewhere else, thinking about suicide, sexuality, etc etc.
Second Semester of Grade 11 came around, and things just did not improve. There was about 2 weeks where I fully had the intent to kill myself. I slept through most of my classes, didn't say a word to anyone unless I had to. Gave up on my Math 30 midterm, decided to sleep instead of studying. I would go to bed hours early so I didn't have to be awake as long. I hated myself so much, I didn't want to live any more.
One day rolled around when I was at home alone, so I got out the tylenol extra strength, looked at the label, found the amount you needed to have before you called poison control. Counted out exactly 4 times that, and then a bit. Put them on the counter. Filled up a glass of water, made sure it was big so I could finish the job. Picked up the first few pills, and looked at the clock. My dad was supposed to be home in the next half an hour. I figured that wouldn't be long enough, because he would be able to take me to the hospital and get my stomach pumped etc, so I decided I would have to do it another time. Put the pills away and went to sleep on the couch. I never got the chance to finish the job.
That for me symbolized a turning point; I had come as close to killing myself as I ever had. I was still here. I knew if I could make it through that I could change things.
I started trying to turn things around. I tried different groups of people, found one that I could kind of relax around, got to know them alright. Things were getting better. I decided that the only way things were going to change for me were if I made a big change in my life. So I decided to change schools for grade 12.
Summer was uneventful, I was unhappy but not suicidal, so things were better.
Grade 8.... Came and went. Not much happened that year, still wasn't liking girls, started worrying... Could I be gay? No, I'm not like that... But no matter how hard I tried to get rid of those thoughts and put them aside, I just liked guys. At one point that year I tried to cut my wrists, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it, so I just started slicing up my hands instead. Fortunately that didn't last long, and I eventually got over it, and went back to the timeless problem solving strategy of ignoring the issue.
Grade 9. What a year.... Things got a bit worse this year, I was really not content with anything, I basically tried to force myself to be straight a few times... Not fun. Come winter, I tried to tell my mom I was gay. I wound up basically saying "Mom, I have something I need to tell you..." and writing it on a piece of paper because I couldn't bring myself to say it... She didn't believe it, thought I was too young, and thought I was confused. She didn't accept it, so I told her I was straight, and just confused for a little while. This was definitely a turning point, as I simply stopped telling my parents about anything. I cared about them, but I didn't rely on them for support, I kind of stopped talking to them, and generally just distanced myself from them from that point on.
Spring of Grade 9, Junior High Travel Studies. 2 Week trip to France and Spain. It was here that things really took a turn for the worse. I decided in my frustration that I was going to ditch my friends and go hang out on that trip with the "cool kids" who I would then befriend and start liking girls, because they just seemed so... heterosexual. Well, travel studies came and went, I did hang out with the cool kids, got to know them over travel studies. Went back to school, tried to spend most of my time with them, but I really started to realize I didn't fit in. This didn't bug me too much until grade 10.
Start of grade 10, I realized I had made a huge mistake. These kids didn't really like me that much, I never got invited to anything, never knew them that well, and basically had no friends, and between that, ditching my old friends, and distancing myself from my parents, I was pretty alone. Grade 10 was a year of depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. Came pretty close to ending it once or twice, but fortunately I didn't go through with it. I could only think about how much it would hurt my parents if I did, I really didn't want to send them through that, so I decided to stick around, for at least a few more years. I thought "I'll just live out High School, maybe University, then end it all before I have to deal with all this bullshit."
Grade 11. Toughest year of my life, I was super miserable for the whole thing, I hated the people who I was around, who had no respect for other people, I hated my school, its politics, the people who ran it. I hated my teachers, who made gay-related jokes. I hated myself to an extreme. I thought I was ugly, undesirable, a bad friend, an untalented person, I thought I was dumb because I started struggling a bit with Math. I didn't want to be there, and it got me really down. I completely stopped caring about school, I just maintained my 85 average to please my parents and so people would fuck off and leave me alone about marks. I didn't study for 3 of my finals first semester. I got through class by watching movies on my ipod, wishing I was somewhere else, thinking about suicide, sexuality, etc etc.
Second Semester of Grade 11 came around, and things just did not improve. There was about 2 weeks where I fully had the intent to kill myself. I slept through most of my classes, didn't say a word to anyone unless I had to. Gave up on my Math 30 midterm, decided to sleep instead of studying. I would go to bed hours early so I didn't have to be awake as long. I hated myself so much, I didn't want to live any more.
One day rolled around when I was at home alone, so I got out the tylenol extra strength, looked at the label, found the amount you needed to have before you called poison control. Counted out exactly 4 times that, and then a bit. Put them on the counter. Filled up a glass of water, made sure it was big so I could finish the job. Picked up the first few pills, and looked at the clock. My dad was supposed to be home in the next half an hour. I figured that wouldn't be long enough, because he would be able to take me to the hospital and get my stomach pumped etc, so I decided I would have to do it another time. Put the pills away and went to sleep on the couch. I never got the chance to finish the job.
That for me symbolized a turning point; I had come as close to killing myself as I ever had. I was still here. I knew if I could make it through that I could change things.
I started trying to turn things around. I tried different groups of people, found one that I could kind of relax around, got to know them alright. Things were getting better. I decided that the only way things were going to change for me were if I made a big change in my life. So I decided to change schools for grade 12.
Summer was uneventful, I was unhappy but not suicidal, so things were better.
Grade 12 started off good. Met new people, I have genuinely good friends at this school, and I finally came out fully, to basically completely positive reactions. For the most part, I've completely turned things around.
So things were going well, I was very happy, but the last few weeks have sucked.
Why is this?
Let's list off a few reasons:
I have had the shittiest time with my skiing recently. I'm going to try to relate this in a couple different ways. Imagine you were a guitar player, and all of a sudden you could only play 1 chord. Or imagine you were a painter, but were suddenly reduced to the ability to only use crayons. That is the frustration I have been experiencing recently with my skiing. This wouldn't be such a huge deal, but skiing is my passion, it is what I do. Annoying to say the least.
Second reason - there is a group of people I'm trying to become friends with. As far as I can tell, things are going good, but recently I've just been frustrated, and I don't see the point in putting the effort into the friendships. More on that later.
Third reason - somewhat like I said in the second reason, I don't know if people even care about me - if they do they're not showing it, aside from a few people. More on that later.
Fourth reason - I feel alone. I don't know if this is normal or weird or what, but I have 1 or 2 people I'm very close with and I don't see my friends too often outside of school. Maybe friday night, once on the weekend, but thats all, unless I'm very active in trying to find something to do (I don't get invited to stuff too often).
I was handling a lot of this stuff quite well though, and then shit just went bad. I'm not even sure if my slight current depression has anything to do with these issues, but I'm definitely not happy right now, and I don't know exactly why. Like, this is at the point where I don't know what I'm living for anymore - nothing seems too hopeful right now.
Maybe I just need something good to happen to me, I don't know. But I've spent a while putting together this post and its time for me to get back to homework.
That was a hell of a first post mate. I btw found this because Faule wanted me to see a post he made, glad I actually went looking or I'd never have seen your thread.
ReplyDeleteI take it you're a really good skier, that will come back, its just a slump, something will change and it will come back to you, I promise.
Getting out only on the weekends is kinda typical (at least it was when I was in high school) I used to live for that Saturday night out with my friends. So just live for your one chance out a week.
Things will pick up Floyd, I promise - they may not stay up, but they always turn up for a while. The trick is to hold the line and keep plugging away until things change.
I wouldn't bullshit you my friend, I've been around the block a few times, and in my experience it always picks up, you've got real friends now - hang out with them when you can, and you'll find yourself having fun even if you don't expect it.
-Jack