Why have I not been updating my blog at all recently?
Busy, and I've been avoiding solving my problems through websites and people I know online. I feel as if its time I leave a certain group of people behind, and if you're on that particular website you know who you are. Not because they were bad people, or gave poor advice, or for any other reason, but because they were too good at giving advice, and too nice. One thing I fear in my life is technology alienation from real people, and I've lately been forcing myself to deal with my problems by myself or with people I know personally.
Why now?
Just felt I needed to vent a little, particularly about university. This is the main body of this post.
Why do I need to vent?
I'm afraid.
Going off to university is such a crazy thing for me. I get away from my constricting family. I get away from my home town. I get a new start.
So why am I scared?
Because things here were finally starting to go well for me. I have friends that I like, for the first time ever. But for some reason I still feel like I don't fit in.
I haven't felt like I fit in in a long time.
I honestly can't think of a group of people where I feel I fit in. Why? I'm not sure, but I always feel I'm an outsider.
I don't want to be destined to be a loner. I don't want that in my life. Will that happen in university? I'm not sure.
I have fun. People like me. So what makes me such an outsider all the time?
What really scares me is not fitting in at university. I hate being an outsider, it really sucks.
But then again, maybe I'm not an outsider. Maybe I just have confidence or self-esteem issues. Wouldn't be surprised, but I also don't want to be playing catch-up confidence wise. I constantly feel unhappy when I'm not around people. It sucks feeling the people you want to be close to slip through your fingers due to texts not returned, opportunities missed, etc.
Either way though, I move on come september. Not leaving much behind here, but I hope that university goes better.
We'll see what happens, and I'm sure I'll write more, but I injured my finger while drunk and can't type too well haha.
Any replies are as always appreciated!
Sorry for the delay... I've been writing more in my old reliable notebooks and ignoring my blog for the most part, and sorta forgot to check for updates from friends (in my defense you haven't posted since May).
ReplyDeleteAs far as feeling University goes. People (basing on what you've said, and having talked to you) do like you - you're a likeable guy, so I don't think you'll have much of an issue with that part, one of the joys of fresh starts is everyone takes you as you present yourself, and since you'll be around a lot of freshman, they'll be in the same boat.
You also get another bonus here, and that is being unhappy when you aren't around people gets washed away to an extent. At home, well you have to go out and find people, then most nights eventually you have to split up and head back home - but at University you're THERE. There will always be people around, and there will almost always be something going on somewhere.
I have every bit of faith that you'll find a group that you mesh well with, and that you'll have a good time - learn, grow, evolve a lot.
Also, you've heard me talk about Kyle, I know for a fact that he had many of the same concerns that you had - in regards to finding a place at University - and he did great, just as I'm sure will you.
As to those of us who you do cut out, just remember that we aren't hard to find if you feel like you need an outside ear.
Best,
Jack