Friends....

So recently I've been trying to get more guy friends, and closer guy friends, because although I absolutely love my female friends, I find that I need a balance. After all, Aristotle preached that you should have all things in moderation, right?

Anyways, one thing that I've noticed is that I can easily get into a really deep relationship with girls, where I can talk about just about anything with them, and really have meaningful conversations. However with guys, I'm having a little more trouble making that happen.

I think this could be for a number of reasons, one of which could be that I'm not spending enough time around the guys who I want to be good friends with. The girls who I'm quite close with go to the same school as me, so we naturally spend a good amount of time around each other. The guys however, do not, so its only really when we end up hanging out outside of school that we see each other.

Another possibility is that these guys aren't ready for the level of maturity that I need in a relationship. I'm not trying to be cocky here, but I consider myself a little more mature than most guys my age, which could also be why I get along with girls so well. Now, perhaps there is a level to the relationship that I am seeking that they aren't even fully aware of yet, or aren't used to having in friendships. There is also the possibility that I am not mature enough to have a relationship that they are used to.

Building on that last point, its also worth considering that I'm just not fully aware of how to initiate that kind of a relationship - if you want to move further, you have to somewhat push the relationship to that level, which is sometimes hard to do.

Or perhaps I'm just too inexperienced with guys right now - maybe I just need to spend more time around them, and learn a little more about them before I try to move forward.

Either way, I'd like to be able to figure out where to go with this.

Group Dynamics - The Contributors and the Absorbers

Okay, hopefully this is my last blog entry today, but... no promises.

Anyways, I was just thinking about groups of people and my role in them.

Now generally in groups theres 2 types of people, or more a spectrum of those types of people.

You have your contributors of group energy - ie your very outgoing people, your group leaders, the crazy hyper energetic types, the types that make the jokes etc.

And then you have your absorbers of group energy. Now when I say absorbers I don't mean it in a negative way. You can't have too much group energy or it just gets crazy - imagine if you had 5 really energetic people going to a movie - it would get out of hand and just be a bit too much for everyone. The absorbers are the ones who listen, who are laid back, who take in what the contributors put in. These are the introverts of the group, so to speak. They are not to be confused with what I will refer to as group vampires though (the people who suck the life out of the group and/or conversation - they absorb energy, and replace it with negative energy).

I often consider myself an absorber, as I am somewhat introverted and quiet. I prefer to try to make valuable contributions to the group, as opposed to saying tons of stuff and being crazy. However, I often find I have to be the one who initiates contact in order to make stuff happen. For example, if people are going out I'll usually be the one who ends up having to ask if anything is going on, or ask to come. This used to bug me, however I've realized that if everyone in the group waited to be invited to do something, nothing would ever happen. The roles of absorbers and contributors are present in all group situations, including the planning of stuff.

However I often find the best people to have in a group are the ones who are a mix of the 2 - consider it a spectrum.

Absorber <----------------> Contributor

Ideally, you'd like to be here:

Absorber <--------O--------> Contributor

However, I often find myself somewhere around here:

Absorber <---O-------------> Contributor

Now there are some groups of people where I am comfortable being closer to the middle, and thats what I'm working towards, but I think that its a valuable skill to be able to play the different roles in different groups. For example, I have friends where I would be on the Contributor end, and some where I would be on the Absorber end. It all really depends on who I'm with and how comfortable I am with that group. Usually I prefer to be an Absorber if possible. Sometimes though, I feel I need to play the role of Contributor though - its often beneficial when breaking into a group to be a Contributor, but I find everyone appreciates it when someone is good at playing the role of Absorber. For me right now I guess the trick is getting into the group a bit more, so I can play the role of Absorber more, which is where I'm more comfortable.

This blogging thing is tougher to do than I thought lol. HUUUUUGE TIME SINK.

Thoughts anyone?

Well, that was interesting.

Hmm.... Oddly enough it seems I have just had a massive mood swing today. Or perhaps I am just an idiot when it comes to communicating with other people.

Either way, I was just sitting unhappily at my computer, when I decided to go and chat with some people whom I chat with fairly regularly.

So, I logonsky and start talking and then BAM!

Like that thing that chases the avatar dude over a waterfall at the beginning of the movie, it hits me.

I was being reluctant to contact anybody out of fear of annoying them, and yet I wanted to contact them.

However, by fighting the desire to contact people, it went against what I naturally am, which therefore made me unhappy (possibly).

For example - I wanted to text somebody, but I was afraid of annoying them. So instead I just sat here being all lonely like. But that wasn't helping anything.

As human beings, we all have a need for relationships with other humans, and for communication with them - this goes down to evolutionary instincts.

SO, I decided to make contact with some people today, and all better! : )

Interestingly enough it once again comes down to fear - fear of doing something wrong.

Now, lets take a look at THE Notorious BIG. A man of influence, power, money, and general badassness. Now, he released the song "Juicy" at what many would call the peak of his career, when he was absolutely on top of his life, having released one of the most successful rap albums of all time and changing the game permanently. One thing about his life at that point was that (as said by Mr. Smalls) he was "Living life without fear". Perhaps this is one thing we forget too often - after all, one of my favourite sayings is "fear is failure".

Fear is damaging to us - we fear so many things in life, but usually the fear is just rooted in our own insecurities. Its so easy to play it safe and not go skydiving, or not drive your car faster than you probably ever should. However, when you overcome that, the feeling is one of the greatest ones humans can experience. By overcoming that fear we are temporarily put on top of the world.

But that feeling is not the only beneficial part of facing our fears. You see, every time we are pushed out of our comfort zones, forced to face a fear, we face an insecurity. We become stronger people, and we are able to move past that, and on to overcome the next one.

Here's to living dangerous, and living on the edge.

Ahhh.... My first entry.

Before we start, I would like you to know that this will most likely not be a happy blog.

It will also probably not be a helpful blog.

It could, however, be an interesting blog.

First things first. I'm 18, I'm a guy, I'm gay, I am not feminine, I like to ski, I also like music, but I don't really want to type all this boring stuff out because it would just bore you (whoever that is), and me.

So, I basically made this blog because I once again find myself in a slump in life.

Will this blog help? Probably not, but at least I can look at my thoughts and see what I've been thinking - I like to believe that I can help myself psychologically as long as I can find the thought that is the root of my issue and address it, but perhaps this is no longer the case.

So... Recap of the past couple years of my life.

This is from a post I wrote on a forum that I frequent, its mainly concerned with my sexuality.

So, grade 7. New school, new people. I was going to this big intimidating university prep school, major tests every 1.5 months or so, serious teachers etc etc. Well, grade 7 was pretty average for me, I met people, had friends, didn't really know anyone too well, but I was having a good time and that was enough for me. A little later in the year I noticed that I kind of liked guys. Well, at that point I didn't think much of it, I had heard about sexuality, exploring, confusion, all that stuff. I figured I would just be the same and start liking girls. So I ignored it and wrote it off as unimportant.

Grade 8.... Came and went. Not much happened that year, still wasn't liking girls, started worrying... Could I be gay? No, I'm not like that... But no matter how hard I tried to get rid of those thoughts and put them aside, I just liked guys. At one point that year I tried to cut my wrists, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it, so I just started slicing up my hands instead. Fortunately that didn't last long, and I eventually got over it, and went back to the timeless problem solving strategy of ignoring the issue.

Grade 9. What a year.... Things got a bit worse this year, I was really not content with anything, I basically tried to force myself to be straight a few times... Not fun. Come winter, I tried to tell my mom I was gay. I wound up basically saying "Mom, I have something I need to tell you..." and writing it on a piece of paper because I couldn't bring myself to say it... She didn't believe it, thought I was too young, and thought I was confused. She didn't accept it, so I told her I was straight, and just confused for a little while. This was definitely a turning point, as I simply stopped telling my parents about anything. I cared about them, but I didn't rely on them for support, I kind of stopped talking to them, and generally just distanced myself from them from that point on.

Spring of Grade 9, Junior High Travel Studies. 2 Week trip to France and Spain. It was here that things really took a turn for the worse. I decided in my frustration that I was going to ditch my friends and go hang out on that trip with the "cool kids" who I would then befriend and start liking girls, because they just seemed so... heterosexual. Well, travel studies came and went, I did hang out with the cool kids, got to know them over travel studies. Went back to school, tried to spend most of my time with them, but I really started to realize I didn't fit in. This didn't bug me too much until grade 10.

Start of grade 10, I realized I had made a huge mistake. These kids didn't really like me that much, I never got invited to anything, never knew them that well, and basically had no friends, and between that, ditching my old friends, and distancing myself from my parents, I was pretty alone. Grade 10 was a year of depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. Came pretty close to ending it once or twice, but fortunately I didn't go through with it. I could only think about how much it would hurt my parents if I did, I really didn't want to send them through that, so I decided to stick around, for at least a few more years. I thought "I'll just live out High School, maybe University, then end it all before I have to deal with all this bullshit."

Grade 11. Toughest year of my life, I was super miserable for the whole thing, I hated the people who I was around, who had no respect for other people, I hated my school, its politics, the people who ran it. I hated my teachers, who made gay-related jokes. I hated myself to an extreme. I thought I was ugly, undesirable, a bad friend, an untalented person, I thought I was dumb because I started struggling a bit with Math. I didn't want to be there, and it got me really down. I completely stopped caring about school, I just maintained my 85 average to please my parents and so people would fuck off and leave me alone about marks. I didn't study for 3 of my finals first semester. I got through class by watching movies on my ipod, wishing I was somewhere else, thinking about suicide, sexuality, etc etc.

Second Semester of Grade 11 came around, and things just did not improve. There was about 2 weeks where I fully had the intent to kill myself. I slept through most of my classes, didn't say a word to anyone unless I had to. Gave up on my Math 30 midterm, decided to sleep instead of studying. I would go to bed hours early so I didn't have to be awake as long. I hated myself so much, I didn't want to live any more.

One day rolled around when I was at home alone, so I got out the tylenol extra strength, looked at the label, found the amount you needed to have before you called poison control. Counted out exactly 4 times that, and then a bit. Put them on the counter. Filled up a glass of water, made sure it was big so I could finish the job. Picked up the first few pills, and looked at the clock. My dad was supposed to be home in the next half an hour. I figured that wouldn't be long enough, because he would be able to take me to the hospital and get my stomach pumped etc, so I decided I would have to do it another time. Put the pills away and went to sleep on the couch. I never got the chance to finish the job.

That for me symbolized a turning point; I had come as close to killing myself as I ever had. I was still here. I knew if I could make it through that I could change things.

I started trying to turn things around. I tried different groups of people, found one that I could kind of relax around, got to know them alright. Things were getting better. I decided that the only way things were going to change for me were if I made a big change in my life. So I decided to change schools for grade 12.

Summer was uneventful, I was unhappy but not suicidal, so things were better.

Grade 12 started off good. Met new people, I have genuinely good friends at this school, and I finally came out fully, to basically completely positive reactions. For the most part, I've completely turned things around.

So things were going well, I was very happy, but the last few weeks have sucked.

Why is this?

Let's list off a few reasons:

I have had the shittiest time with my skiing recently. I'm going to try to relate this in a couple different ways. Imagine you were a guitar player, and all of a sudden you could only play 1 chord. Or imagine you were a painter, but were suddenly reduced to the ability to only use crayons. That is the frustration I have been experiencing recently with my skiing. This wouldn't be such a huge deal, but skiing is my passion, it is what I do. Annoying to say the least.

Second reason - there is a group of people I'm trying to become friends with. As far as I can tell, things are going good, but recently I've just been frustrated, and I don't see the point in putting the effort into the friendships. More on that later.

Third reason - somewhat like I said in the second reason, I don't know if people even care about me - if they do they're not showing it, aside from a few people. More on that later.

Fourth reason - I feel alone. I don't know if this is normal or weird or what, but I have 1 or 2 people I'm very close with and I don't see my friends too often outside of school. Maybe friday night, once on the weekend, but thats all, unless I'm very active in trying to find something to do (I don't get invited to stuff too often).

I was handling a lot of this stuff quite well though, and then shit just went bad. I'm not even sure if my slight current depression has anything to do with these issues, but I'm definitely not happy right now, and I don't know exactly why. Like, this is at the point where I don't know what I'm living for anymore - nothing seems too hopeful right now.

Maybe I just need something good to happen to me, I don't know. But I've spent a while putting together this post and its time for me to get back to homework.